


Starting Over

by Green Verde (Green_V_starwarsfan)



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: M/M, other characters (minor/secondary or mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-01-17 07:59:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1379947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green_V_starwarsfan/pseuds/Green%20Verde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU.  Raj and Howard tire of California, Caltech, and their overall routines- with consequences for everyone else.</p><p>Howard gets his doctorate!  Woohoo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beautiful Sunset

 

                    Howard and Raj are in the Danish countryside, not far from Copenhagen. They stand in a grassy field close by some of the large numerous farms.  Howard Wolowitz and Rajesh Koothrappali's kids run around and play in the field. An old windmill rotates unrushed in the background while the sun slowly sets.

"The field is so pretty.  Lots of colorful flowers are in bloom in the field in front of us."

"Yeah, it's incredible."  Raj and Howard looked out in front of them, while also looking at the nearby scenery all around.

"How did we get so lucky, Howard?"  Raj asks while he wraps his right arm around Howard. 

"I don't know, Raj.  I suppose we made lemonade out of lemons."

"Yeah, we did.  We also got the hell out of the states."

"There was little option but to leave and we had every reason to never look back."

"Don't remind me."  Raj laughs.  Howard lept forward a bit after Raj copped a feel of his butt.  He smiles coyly at Rajesh's playfulness.

"Ooh feeling frisky are we?"  Howard guffaws.

"Of course!  I can barely keep my hands to myself, hehe."  The couple smile wide and look into each others eyes.  Raj looks away and Howard does as well.  Howard leans into Raj, looking at their pride and joy together.

"Really hold me close- the Danish air is too cold and windy for me right now." 

"Come on!  We've been to the North Pole.  This is nothing."  Raj states bluntly with surprise.

"Yeah but I'm not wearing all those bulky layers right now!"

"Okay."  Raj moves behind Howard and grips him close.  Raj takes in a small whiff thru his nostrils.  "Mmm Howard your hair smells really sweet and fruity."

"That new shampoo is full of strawberries." 

"The aroma is so freaking awesome!"

"Tell me about it."  Howard looks fondly at his young son Jacob running around and laughing with Raj's kids Dineep and Anju.  Raj also looks, but appears deep in thought during the break in conversation.

"You know what?"  Raj asks.

"What?"

"You should've worn a jacket or something."

"And cover up this cute pink flannel top are you _Insane_!?"

"All I'm saying is you can dress a little warmer.  Maybe wear a fun blazer to make everything come together?"   

"Fine.  Let's talk about clothes _later_.  Besides we can't all wear cardigans!"

Raj rolls his eyes.  "Suit yourself."  Raj walks away from Howard and towards the kids chasing each other in the distance.

"Wait Raj- let the kids tire themselves out before dinner.  Besides we could reminisce about what's gone on until now- how we got to this point of being truly happy."

Raj rushes back to Howard.  "Sure.  I would like that, _Dr. Wolowitz._ "  Howard smiles flirtatiously at Raj.  The two embrace each other for a good hug and a long kiss. 

Afterward, Raj spanks Howard's left buttock and then points with his pointer finger and says, "After dinner." 

Howard quickly fans himself with his hand, rushing air onto his face.  "Ooh that's so hot!  I'm not cold anymore."  Raj nods knowingly.


	2. One Down

Howard speaks to Raj.

"I remember the years of mostly Sheldon and Leonard's jokes, insults, put downs, digs, jabs, and so on relating to the so-called _insufficient_ level of education granted to me by my Master's Degree in Mechanical Engineering from MIT." 

"Uh huh."  Raj mouths back quietly.

"Which is really insulting- as if a Masters Degree is an easy Mickey Mouse course.  144 units of grad work is NOT effortlessly easy-it is arduous no matter the name of the degree.  If it were simple even Penny would have one."

Raj laughs.  "Hilarious.  Go on."

"I contended for years my masters was sufficient until I realized the rift that could be created between me and everyone else.  Every scientist in the group- even Bernadette- is a Ph.D it therefore follows that I couldn't be the odd one out anymore and so I sought out every good Ph.D program out there, especially at universities suited to astronauts and mechanical engineers." 

"But once you looked up the University of Copenhagen, you knew that's where you wanted to earn your doctorate."

"Of course!  It was a solid choice and among the most prestigious.  The crowning jewel to admission into the Ph.D program was gaining acceptance into Copenhagen's Niels Bohr Institute-named after a world famous Nobel winning physicist and one of Sheldon's lifelong idols.  Sheldon became green with envy once he heard about my stunning acceptance." 

"Ah I remember.  The zingers flew fast but underneath Sheldon had a hot smoldering rage.   When he was younger, Copenhagen was one of the universities that turned Sheldon down.  I suspect later on Sheldon tried to transfer to Copenhagen to join one of their research teams and they flatly told him no."

"No way!  Did he really try to leave Caltech for Copenhagen?"  Howard said, astounded.

"Way."

Howard lets out a big laugh.  "That's a riot dude!  He must have been trying to get away from the administration.  One big reason why I didn't attempt to enroll in Caltech's doctoral program is the simple fact that damn Siebert and Gablehauser relished calling me _Mr._ Wolowitz.  The most insufferable pompous blowhards if there were any.  They would've just loved to set up a rejection to rub my face in it.  Those jerks."

"Indeed.  Very true.  Anyways go on."

"Well maybe I should go back to when everything really started- when my mom died."

* * *

 

Sheldon sat in his spot and Leonard used his laptop in his work space.  They both wore nice suits since they just returned from Ms. Wolowitz's funeral.  It was a somber occasion and everything went smoothly with no notable outbursts from anyone, especially Sheldon. 

Howard entered their apartment, the door being already unlocked.  He announced his presence.

"Hey guys.  Thanks again for showing up.  I know it was a little difficult but your help and your good behavior- Sheldon.." Sheldon looked at Howard.  Howard looked back then turned toward Leonard. "..made me look dignified and respectful during this hard time."

Leonard replied, "Yes Howard, this is the day the laughter died." 

Sheldon piped in, "The fat jokes are far gone for us now- no more hoarse yelling, arm fat rolling, untied robes, ravenous brisket eating, foot rubs, large brassieres, varicose veins.."

Howard implored, "Okay that's enough.  That is funny since she was morbidly obese till the end, but I'd rather not hear anymore about my mom."  The guys mumbled agreement.

"Where's Raj?" Leonard asked.

"Raj is at my late mother's house, in my room guarding it from the greedy selfish vultures known as the rest of my family.  Bernie is also there, but she's probably going to leave soon to take the baby back to the apartment."

"Okay but why aren't you in your house?" Leonard asked to follow up.

"Great question Leonard.  Basically ma screwed me over.  I didn't get the house.  Apparently being her only child did not matter.  A trust was formed with all the Wolowitz's in it.  Technically the house now belongs to everyone.  I'm in the trust but I'm just one person so I don't matter much.  Basically the rest of the family divvied up all of ma's knick-knacks and tchotchkes and sadly I'm going to have to move the rest of my stuff out of that house soon or it's all going away."

"Why?  Who is moving in instead of you?"

"Nobody.  I mean eventually they want to redo the place then rent it out."

"Those bastards!" 

"Tell me about it.  I grew up in that house.  It should be up to me but there's nothing I can do.  Anyways my career is at a standstill and.."

Sheldon interrupted, "You want hang it up to go to clown college.  Go for it.  You're already a clown you might as well learn something."  Leonard let out a hearty belly laugh.

Howard didn't miss a beat.  "Thank you Sheldon for being polite, uplifting, and thoughtful as always." 

"It's what I do."

Howard glared at Sheldon while speaking to both Sheldon and Leonard.  "Actually with every path in front of me a dead end, I figure now is the time for me to _really_ finish my education and get a doctorate."

Leonard perked up with cheerful words.  "Good for you Howard!"  Leonard covered his mouth with his hand to try and not laugh out loud.

Sheldon shook his head back and forth and gave Howard a look of haughty derision.  "Good gravy man you can't be serious.  Someone is getting delusional." 

Howard shouted in an exasperated fashion.  "Really, Sheldon?"  Nobody said anything and Sheldon looked like he lost interest in the conversation.  "Um.. well what about Leonard and his phony baloney doctorate from Princeton?  Like that's a real school."  Howard and Sheldon both made fun of Leonard's alma mater in Jersey.  Leonard couldn't stand the laughing anymore and walked out.

"Screw you guys!"  Leonard said. 

After Leonard left, Howard sat in the middle of the couch next to Sheldon.  Sheldon had been sitting in his spot.  "Anyways I looked at a number of doctoral programs and I figured I should use the opportunity to go to a new school.  Getting away from Caltech would be nice.  If I get into the UCLA program, I could always stop by here and say hello, at least once in a while." 

"There's always the local clown colleges, or theatre school.  You're already a magician so you have a shot at that."

"Thanks but you hate magic."

"I know.  It's complete hokum."

"So anyway.."

"My point is maybe science and engineering just isn't for you anymore, Howard.  I'm sorry but I just don't see it." 

"Well Sheldon I was going to tell you more but I can't stand your snide comments."

"Copy that.  Please show yourself out." 

"Fine I'll leave but I'll just say this:  I'll get my Ph.D.  I'll be a big success.  I'm already an astronaut with a decent career behind me already.  So why not?"

"You'll waste time embarrassing yourself, and if you're leaving Pasadena you'll let your friends down."

"No I won't.  I wouldn't mind leaving so you won't have me to kick around anymore." 

"So be it, Howard.  Your mother's funeral was a long and tedious affair.  Don't ruin the rest of my day."

Howard got up to leave and responded darkly, "Goodbye Sheldon." 

* * *

Howard and Bernadette talked about their long and difficult day.

"Anyways Bernie new topic.  Raj and my department head at Caltech are helping me by sending letters of recommendation to some universities.  That and my astronaut career might put me over the top!" 

"That's great!  If you do go away to school I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too.  You can visit as much as you like."

"It will be hard for me to take care of the baby without you.  We will probably have to hire the nanny full time."

"I'll cut all expenses to the bone if that's what it takes to make our nanny full time."  

"We'll do that.  I'm going to go take a bath.  Can you go change your son's diaper and put him to bed?"

"Sure.  But where's our nanny?"

"I sent her home early."

Howard yelled out, **"Nooo!!!"**

Bernadette wasn't having any of it.  "Get going!  Stop being such a baby!" 

"Okay honey."  Howard said.  Howard thought that Bernadette usually gave him the shitty jobs while she did all the good things _she_ wanted. 

Howard muttered under his breath while his wife is out of the room, "Sometimes being married to you feels really lousy.  Where's Raj when I need him?"

* * *

"Aw Howard did you really say that?"

"Yes Raj I did."

"You're the best."

"No, Raj, science is the best."

"Quite right.  To science!"

 

# 

 

 


	3. Life is a heavy load sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all the poor souls dealing with family.

 

              Howard stepped off his Vespa scooter outside his old mother's house.  He kicked the kickstand in place and went to the front door.  Howard rang the bell.   The door was quickly answered.  

Howard smiled when he saw the front door opened for him.  "Hey David!  What's up?"  Howard's cousin walked toward him and did not speak until he was outside the house.

"Hey Howard.  Glad you've finally arrived.  I was about to call since I was wondering when you were going to get here."

"Yeah sorry about that David.  I was busy with my son and dealing with my wife.  It's been a long day."

"I see.  You must have had quite the time afterward."  David winked at Howard.

"No, no not at all.  I wish.  Today was a typical drag of a day actually, made harder by going to the service- for my mother of all people."  

"What a shame."

"I have a question.  Did you talk to Raj at all?"

"Not really.  He seems fine up there in your old room, maybe looking at some of your things.  Maybe he's bored since you made him wait for you for so long."

"He should be fine in there.  He knew I might take a while and all that.  No biggie." 

Howard's cousin looked down at his watch.  "Alright then.  Well it's getting late.  I'll have to call you sometime and catch up."

"Sure."  Howard shook his head slightly.

"Oh and get the keys from Uncle Louie.  He wants to finish getting his stuff out and leave."

"Got it."  Howard waved farewell to his cousin and walked into the house, closing the door behind him. 

Howard began to shout.  " **Uncle Louie!**   Can I have the keys please?  To lock up?"

Howard's uncle ambled his way out of the kitchen, his weight and girth kept him from moving quickly by any means.  At least some of the Wolowitz's were similar to Howard's late mother in size, and Uncle Louie was one of them.

"Hello again Howard.  I have these house keys for you.  Catch!"  Uncle Louie threw the keys underhanded the best he could.  Howard moved up a bit and made a skilled catch while appearing light on his feet.

"I got 'em." 

"Great.  I have a box or two I could use some help with.  Then I'll be on my way."

"Of course."  Howard and his uncle began to pick up and move a big stuffed cardboard box.

"Where's your wife?"

"At home."

"So she couldn't be bothered to help move your things out of here?"

"Raj and I can handle it."  

"I see.  Well I suggest you get all your things out of here _now_ so it's easier on all of us."

"Fine." 

"One more thing- Bernadette _Wolowitz_ can come here but you're friend _Rajesh_ can't.  He's not family and to us he's not welcome."

"But the guy is my best friend and I've known him forever!"

"Whatever.  The deal is he can't be here alone without you."

"Okay."     

"Great.  Let's just set this box down by my car."  The two lowered the box down to the ground carefully.

"Well if everyone is eager to see my stuff out of the house- I better get to it then."    

"I'll need help with the last box.  It's huge.  Maybe your friend can help as well."

"No problem.  I'll go get him."  Howard quickly ran into the house.  "Hey Raj!  I'm here!"

* * *

Raj came out from Howard's old room and sprints down the steps.  "Hey dude! I heard you when you were yelling for your uncle."

"I would've been here sooner but Bernadette was being a pain." 

"I thought that was what went on.  I've been looking through all your old stuff, some of your comics...also drinking some of the wine around here."

"Cool huh?"

"Awesome!"

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure Howard, anything."  Raj leaned his hand and elbow against the wall while grinning in a cheesy fashion.  "Anything at all." 

"Louie needs help moving a box.  So let's hurry with that." 

"Terrific.  I'm happy to get physical.  Right behind you!"  Howard looked back at Raj with an apprehensive look.  Raj looked back, confused.

* * *

"This is really a big box, Louie!"  Howard said as he groaned from lifting the box.

Howard's uncle huffed and puffed.  "I'm glad your friend is here, Howard.  I put too many of your mother's clowns in this box." 

Raj kept up his smooth grin while handling his side of the box.  "Thank you, but this is no big deal for me.  I would make a great deliveryman.  I can handle any kind of package, big or small." 

Howard said back, "That's great Raj, but can you lift a little bit more?"

Raj replied, a bit annoyed.  "No!  I'm not taking any more of the load.  We have to share it."

"But I'm really struggling here Raj." 

"Come on Howard, lift up with your arms and legs.  Really work it." 

"Less yapping, more lifting!"  Louie said to Howard and Raj, but focusing more on Howard.

Raj turned to Howard again after a brief pause.  "Come on Howard!  We need more!  Help your uncle get it up!"

"I got it under control Raj."  Howard sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I have a firm grip on everything.  Your grip is too loose.  You're not doing it hard enough."  Raj had a smooth look of nonchalance.

"Oh yeah?  Take a good look for yourself."

Raj leaned in to look at Howard.  "Nope.  Really pathetic.  It's like you're not putting in the effort."

"Hey!  I'm doing all I can!"

"Sorry, but it seems like it's not enough.  Really give us all you got already!  Your uncle probably can't last much longer!"

Howard turned to Raj incredulously.  " _Really?_ "

"What?"

Howard whispered,  "Can you stop with the puns?"

Raj grinned from ear to ear.  He said back in hushed tones,  "Oh that. Never!"

"You're impossible."  Howard opined dismissively.

"I'll be satisfied when you do it _right_."  Raj said in a self-righteous, cavalier air.

Uncle Louie announced, "We're finally by the car.  Set it down."  The guys take a breather.

Howard panted heavily while getting close to Raj.  "Buddy... I'm spent."

Raj snapped back, "Too soon, methinks."  Howard turned away from Raj, not responding.

Howard let his wishes be known to his uncle.  "I'm going back in the house.  Raj can help you get that big box in your car."  Howard walked back inside.

 

* * *

Howard Wolowitz looked through everything in his old room.  He waxed nostalgic at all the cool things he had left at his Ma's house- for various reasons but most of all because Bernadette really didn't let him keep any of his really cool stuff around.  Plenty of trinkets abounded with personal meaning.  Most if not all were symbols of his childhood.   Among all the nerdy collectables, few were more prized than his green lightsabers.  Howard grabbed one and ignited it.  

Raj opened the door and casually walked into Howard's old bedroom cheerfully.  "Hey you."  

Howard pointed the ignited lightsaber at Raj.  "What's the big idea with all the gay puns?" 

"Just messing around." 

"No, that isn't you messing around.  Are you drunk?"  Howard stared at Raj intensely.

"I may be a little tipsy."  Raj gave Howard a flirty come hither look.

Howard resigned himself to Raj's explanation.  "All right."  Howard powered down his green glowstick of a lightsaber and tossed it onto the floor.

"So what are you going to do?"

"We need to pack up my stuff and get it out of the house.  The sooner we finish the better."

"Okay.  Let's get this done."  Howard and Raj organized the room and the closet and put Howard's possessions in boxes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope people enjoy the humor. Hehe.


	4. Inevitable Smooch

 

                Raj had a delightful look of glee on his face, which turned into a normal smile. "You're improving", he remarked.

Howard nodded.  "At last the little arm muscles I have are reaching their full potential."  The two guys shared a friendly laugh.  While Howard walked by holding a box, Raj took in a view of his friend's tight jeans.  Howard wore lime green pants, complementing his green attire, and they accentuated his curvy butt. 

The two guys walked to Raj's car and Howard put the last box in the back.  Raj closed the trunk of his car.  "You packed it in there nicely."  Raj said.

"Yeah, I guess I did."  Howard and Raj walked back into the house and they noticed Louie's car is still in the driveway.

"Why is your uncle's car still here?"

"Hmm.  I don't exactly know but he could be going to the bathroom and taking a while.  Obesity and heart problems aren't the only thing that run in the family."

Raj looked up to the sky and cringed.  "Your entire family has disgusting bowels!  I swear dude."

"I could yell something to Uncle Louie similar to what I used to yell to my mom:  Uncle Louie!  Give up!  Tonight's not your night!"  

Rajesh's face expressed surprise and lit up in astonishment.  "Whew.. that is.. beyond brilliant!  But that's also kind of rude.  I mean, he's your uncle."

Howard had a riposte ready.  "True, that can be considered rude, but entering the bathroom after my uncle without a gas mask is usually hazardous."   

"I suppose it's fair that you don't want your uncle smelling up the house."  

"That's nothing.  A few years ago during a big family dinner Uncle Louie clogged the downstairs toilet."

"Oh my god!  How gross!"  Howard and Raj walk back inside the house, laughing at the jokes.

* * *

 

                The guys stood in Howard's old room.  Just about everything is packed up or in boxes.  The room had really been emptied out, especially compared with earlier.

"I'm tired of moving things, Howard.  More than half of the boxes are cleared out.  What do you think?"

"Well that's a great deal of progress. We can't fit the rest of this in your car on one trip."

"Both of us meet back here tomorrow then?"

"Okay Raj that's the plan."  Howard sighed.  He looked around at the room longingly.

"What is it?"  Raj looked at his Jewish friend curiously.

"There are so many memories here!  What was my mom thinking?  I'd love to move back!"

"Yeah, well, things are different now."

"I know.  It's not this house that's on my mind as much as Ma and Bernadette."  Howard frowned, as if he strained from holding back emotion.

"Are you sad?"  Raj touched Howard's shoulders with his hands.  "Just tell me what's going on."

"Mostly about Bernadette actually.  We've had our problems.  My little guy has made me so _happy_ and yet my son is probably making Bernie fray, though she pretends she is okay.  Still, she seems burdened with stress, despite doing everything I can as her husband.  The nanny, our vacations, the one-way compromises that go toward the _woman_ in the house.  She's never had it so good and because of everything I'm trapped in this pit of despair.  The whole thing is driving me nuts, the fact that nothing is enough for her." 

"Wow.  That sounds seriously heavy."

"It is.  One of the worst things about it is it seems like Bernadette hates Jacob, hates our child."

"That's terrible!"  

"The reasons are all speculation; her upbringing, preferring a girl over a boy, not wanting to be a mother, drug abuse, anything."

"Drug abuse?"  Raj asked, slightly perplexed.

"Yeah, Bernadette's career allows her easy access to drugs.  It's not hard to smuggle them out or at least pop a few pills at work." 

"Do you know for sure?"

"No."  Howard stood at the middle of the room, looking like he is thinking to himself, weighing one thought with one hand and another thought with the other hand.  "I just have a gut feeling I can't rule it out."

"Well she can drop over or you can get a divorce.  Life goes on."  Raj stated coolly with a hint of coldness.

Howard went from cringing to expressing relief, similar to what someone feels when one is no longer constipated.  "Time moves forward no matter what.  It lies in wait for no man." 

"Precisely.  No more waiting!  You just have to overcome the anxiety, the butterflies in your stomach, and just do it."  Howard was pacing while Raj talked and for a short while afterward.

"Life is too short to tolerate everything as it is now.  I've just _got_ to stop pretending!"

"Me too."  Raj took a hold of Howard's face and moved in.  Howard Wolowitz's smushy cheeks yielded to his Indian friend's strong hands.  Howard had been a little hesitant, yet he gave everything over to Raj.  Like an offering to a pagan god, or a disciple yielding to Jesus, Howard gave it all to Him- hoping, trusting, and believing.  Sometimes Rajesh was just like a gay genie, magically granting all his guy friends' wishes.  Raj gave Howard his biggest, most hidden and unspeakable wish of all.  Rajesh's patience had finally paid off when their lips finally met.  Various memories popped into both their heads- from the moment they first met at the university onward.  Howard felt tingly when recalling Rajesh's numerous unintentional homosexual innuendos.  Raj recalled Leonard's cruel mother taunting them about an ersatz homosexual marriage, and he finally thought it didn't matter what they were. 

This was their best kiss- better than the drunken accidental kiss at the telescope.  It was also much superior to the absurd virtual kissing machine.  After a few breaths through the nose, Howard kissed Raj back.  Their first real kiss moved on from being hesitant and tentative to being a display of affection and desire.  Howard and Raj wrapped their arms around each other.  At the last moment, Howard's last bit of energy left him.  Raj was doing all the kissing, though nobody seemed to mind.  Howard backed up a little.

"Whoa, easy there."  Howard slightly stumbled over the words, almost stunned by the kiss, and the fact that Raj's face was only a few inches away from his.  "That... that was nice."

Raj appeared content and in the moment.  "I'm glad you did not freak out."  Raj looked down at Howard.  "Did the kiss arouse you, or are you just happy to see me?"

There was no hiding the tent that Howard pitched in his uber-tight pants.  "Do I have to answer?"  Howard laughed uneasily.  "Both!?!  Um let's take off our shirts and see where we're going with this."

Raj showed some enthusiasm.  "Alright!  Party time!"   


	5. Screwy Louie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the chapter! It gets better! The friendly message to all, and for Howard/Raj! All smiles.

 

            "Hey, did you hear something?"  Howard asked.

"No."  Raj let the word fly out of his mouth quickly.  He was less concerned about other senses, even looking upon his dear friend Howard Wolowitz, compared with the magical fairy-tale bliss that is Prince Howard and Prince Rajesh finally giving each other the proper mouth to mouth!  

"Anyways.. it feels a bit chilly in here without my shirt on."  Howard described the obvious feeling of what cool air is like against his hairy chest.

"I also feel the nip in the air."  Rajesh took pride in the out and proud display of his large manpecs.  The wide, beefy pec muscles appeared to be the result of vigorous exercise.

"It looks like _someone_ has been doing some manscaping."  Howard closely admired his friend's chest.  Raj smiled in confirmation.

"Oh Howard, you are a wild hairy animal!"  Raj, astonished, ran his fingers through his friend's wild, untamed chest hair.  "This hairiness just works; it makes you so sexy!  But wouldn't Bernadette want you to get it waxed?"

Howard began to grope and feel Rajesh's defined, muscular manpecs.  "You would think so, but Bernadette really likes me hairy."  Raj responded and also puts his hands on Howard's pecs to feel them.

"I see.  Well, I'd rather talk about my life since I'm tired of hearing about Bernadette.  You know, your _Weekends at Bernie's_ are nothing like the charming movie!" 

Howard chuckled.  "Clearly, and usually less fun too!"  Raj laughs as well but more nervously.   

"You know this would be a good time to tell you I've been seeing Lucy again for a while now."  Presently, both Howard and Raj both had been caressing each others chest muscles for some time.

"Oh.  That's cool."  Howard demurred. 

Raj had a look with a funny grin on his face.  "She's pregnant!  Because of me!"  Raj finally told his best friend the biggest news of his life, possibly ever.  Later, he explained in a way more cool fashion.  "You know, after all that frequent wild hard sex, it was inevitable.  That's how I roll."

"That's great news!  I'm so happy you're going to be a dad!"  Howard reached in to give Raj a heartfelt hug.  "So what was with the kiss, big guy?"  Raj heard what Howard said after he embraced him.

Raj was about to answer, but everyone in Howard's room was interrupted. 

* * *

 

Uncle Louie stormed into their room.  "I'm wondering what you two are still doing here so late."  The big fat man eyed them suspiciously, especially Raj. 

Howard took a shot at talking to his uncle.  "Oh hey Uncle Louie.  Well after moving all those boxes we were talking about this and that.  The old days, new things.  Raj _just_ told me he is going to be a father.  His girlfriend Lucy is carrying Raj's baby."  Raj looked joyful and gave a thumbs up sign.

Howard's uncle responded firmly and loudly.  "That's great, but why do you two have to be shirtless?"

"Oh, the reason is simple.  It's been very warm here so we had to take off our shirts for a while." 

"That's bullshit.  It's been cold here the whole time!"

Raj interjected, "Sir, in a confined room breath and body heat can warm up a room, so much so wearing shirts becomes uncomfortable." 

"You can argue that, but what you just said is absurd.  Sure, this room feels a little warm from the smelly air, but I'm not going to take off my shirt."

Howard went back into it.  "We're fine Uncle Louie.  Time for us to go."

"Not so fast.  You two dirty queers were in here being gay!"  Louie was looking menacing, glaring at both Howard and Raj.

"No we weren't Uncle Louie!  We completely deny that absurd and false allegation." 

"Really?  Do you think I was born yesterday?" 

Raj finally had enough.  "This is ridiculous.  I'm leaving."  Raj walked by the big man, squeezing through, and began to leave the house.  Louie had let his displeasure be known with nonverbal expression.  Howard was shocked at how openly this was all going down.  They were together in the house, just them, so it was actually not very surprising at all.

Howard's uncle continued with the attack.  "You betray the nice little Catholic girl you are _married_ to just so you can cavort with that nasty homosexual?" 

"You have no proof!"  Howard shouted back.  "Raj is just my colleague at Caltech, that's it.  Bernadette and I are married and we're raising our son, and Raj is about to be a father with his girlfriend.  He's eccentric, not gay."

Howard's uncle stood there stoically, unimpressed.  "You're lying.  Besides, you think your mother didn't tell me about the disturbing things about you?  She told me plenty, such as about how she mothered you excessively, or how often _the little brown boy_ slept over!"

Raj stopped himself from leaving the house, having had the thought that Howard might be overpowered in a fight with that big brutish man.  He ran back to his friend Howard, to protect him from the evil Wolowitz.

"She exaggerated all the time.  The point is, Uncle Louie, with all due respect you're a creep who looks horrible in a bathing suit!"  Howard said.

Louie Wolowitz could not help himself anymore.  He couldn't take it and so he charged at his nephew in severe anger.  Howard was unprepared and he took a heavy punch to the face.  His large, prominent nose took most of the impact, and began bleeding profusely. 

Raj yelled out No in a very loud and long way.  Koothrappali reached the top of the stairs and kicked the fat man's right leg.  The kick was forceful, but the big man didn't budge.  Raj went immediately for a hammer blow to Louie's head, in desperation, so he would be subdued.  Louie grabbed Howard while he was holding his bloody nose with his hand.  He shoved Howard hard into Raj.  Some blood splattered.

Howard's uncle had momentum at this moment.  Louie had hit Raj in the head and gave a body blow to Howard.  The two friends squirmed and were close by the top of the stairs.  Suddenly, Howard kicked his uncle in the balls twice in rapid succession.  Louie howled out in agony, while Howard and Raj began to smile again.  Howard was not well, and wrapped his body weight against his uncle's leg.  Raj bent Louie's right arm back and pulled with as much force as possible.  At last the enormously obese man gave way and both Howard and Raj kicked him down the stairs. 

The corpulent man fell at a quick pace.  After many tumbles, the enormous man finally reached the bottom of the stairs, his body overwhelmed with injury.

Raj ran down the stairs in a zealous rage.  "And now you die!"  There were murmurs and whimpers from the defeated.  "No, please don't."  Howard Wolowitz and Rajesh Koothrappali were not having any of that today.  Raj jumped down to where the vanquished begged for his life in vain.  The high flying kick position swooped down into the neck and spinal area.  Howard and Raj heard nothing but a loud cracking sound.  The crunch sound was horrifying to Howard, but glorious to Raj.  Howard checked the status of his uncle, and Raj was whooping and cheering.

"He's dead."  Howard said blankly to Raj.

"Great!"  Raj replied.  "Problem solved.  I'll go get you some toilet paper for your nose."  Raj went to the downstairs bathroom.

"Thanks.  I need it."  Raj came back with some rolls, what remained of a pack. 

"These should be good.  Oh, don't go in that bathroom.  It smells putrid and I'm sure your uncle destroyed it before going upstairs." 

"Oh wow.  Louie!  You disgusting bastard."


	6. Mad Men

 

              It was unclear when the adrenaline from the moment would pass, and the reality of a dead fat man would set in, but it would be soon.  Raj looked at the body, studied it, and wrinkled his nose at the smell.  The quiet filled the room and Howard took care of his bloodied nose.  This unnerving, unusual silence went on for a few minutes.

"We did it! We lived! I'm beyond thrilled my nose isn't broken!" Howard finally allowed himself to show relief and excitement.

"I'm relieved he didn't try to sit on us." Raj said back.

"No fat Jewish tits being shoved in our mouths!" Howard laughed at his words.

"Yeah. He was just so repulsive and disgusting! I kicked the crap out of this fat ass sucka!"  Raj joked around but he did not look too happy anymore about the situation. The two guys stood close to each other, still shirtless, and gazed upon the fatality that had been wrought by the fighting, the stairs, and Rajesh's kung fu kick of death.  The two guys were hungry and after walking into the kitchen they devoured a box of Fruit Loops.  Howard also grabbed an open bottle of rich red wine and happily shared it with Raj.  Sufficiently buzzed, Howard and Raj walked back into the living room to look at Louie keeled over at the bottom of the stairs.

"Raj?"

"Yeah?"

"We have to do something."

"But what? What can we do?"

"We can't let my family come back here this morning and see Louie here dead, and in terrible shape."

"I was thinking it over, and I say we just leave this as is.  It was a complete accident involving only your uncle.  He tripped, impacted on the stairs, and died by the time he hit the ground."

"My family would never believe that."

"Because your family are a sick, crazy bunch?  If they were reasonable they would just give us the benefit of the doubt and realize he likely fell down on his own."

Howard's jaw dropped as far down as it could possibly go. "Fell on his own?  Really?  Everything I heard sounds so dumb.  Even Penny's brain farts would sound better than that!"

"So your uncle didn't fall down the steps?" Raj kept his cool, unlike Howard.

"My bloody nose dripped around, which would imply some kind of fight or struggle, and sufficient forensic tests could maybe differentiate a fall down the stairs from the crack of spine with your foot!"

"Hypothetical outcome. It seems like it will be indeterminate."

"Get real!  People have been convicted of manslaughter- or murder!- for less, with miniscule evidence.  Have you forgotten all of those good CSI episodes where the oddball clues, plus a body, leads to the case being solved?"

"I'm not Sheldon. I can't remember them all!"

"Well you shouldn't forget why everyone hates your predictably lame murder mystery parties.  They stink!"  Raj glowered at Howard and he grit his teeth together.

"We can debate the 'evidence' and whatnot..."  Raj used airquotes around the word evidence.  "...but what is the motive for your uncle's rage?  I suspect it is because he always thought you were an emasculated mama's boy!" 

"Almost all married Jewish men in America are that way.  What's your point?"

"For you, it's worse.  You're a coward.  Your mother had to _die_ before you would even allow yourself to _think_ about your gayness!"

"Well you certainly have something to say now, you effeminate spoiled rich boy!  You would _never_ come out to your parents, especially that scowling, scolding crusty homophobe of a father!  You'll always want their approval, and their money!"

"I heard it many times, but I never wanted to believe that you think I really care that much about my parents' money."

"Of course you do!  You will never be honest with them about your feelings or your sexuality!"  Howard said, exasperated.

"What is it to you?  You're just a money-grubbing, gold digging Jew pig!"  Raj looked quite confident and pleased with his statement.  He folded his arms and looked at Howard with disdain.

Howard was appalled that his friend stooped so low.  "Raj, you're not that drunk.  Apologize."

"For what?  You used me!  My whole day was wasted.  I was around your _family_ for a long time so _'I am really sorry'_ for saying inconvenient truths."  Rajesh replied with a sarcastic apology.

Howard was not happy, but an irate Raj was not making things any better now.  "Look, what are we doing wasting time arguing?  We will have a better chance if we clean this place up and get rid of the body!"

"Actually I have another idea.  I'm tired and I'll have to lie down.  When your family comes back here, I can tell them the truth about everything."

" **What!?  Have you _completely_ lost your mind!?  You CAN'T do that!"**  Howard yelled, in shock his friend would turn on him or choose the stupidest option out of negligence or spite.

"I'm a reasonable person, so we'll do things your way, in exchange for certain conditions."

Howard looked upon Raj wearily and impatiently.  "What conditions?"

"Well, the first one is probably the most important.  It's also the hardest to say, so don't be offended."

"Offended?"

"Separate from Bernadette.  Divorce her."

"Yeah, sure."  Howard answered thoughtlessly, since it sounded like the right answer.

"Wow.  I was expecting some resistance on that one."

"She might leave me anyway when I stop tolerating her crap."

Raj nodded along.  "Harsh."

"Tell me about it.  What else?" 

The tall Indian man implored his shorter friend; both men barechested, without any shirts.  "Come out of the closet.  Tell _everyone_ that you're gay!" 

"No way!  That is completely unfair!"

"Howard, that is completely fair.  My charming, sophisticated, urbane personality is confused with flaming homosexuality all the time!"

"Raj, I get what you're saying, but that might be too much to ask of me."

"Oh of course!  Nobody can ever really ask anything important of _Howard Wolowitz_."

Howard pleaded and emoted with hand gestures.  "Please don't do this to me, Rajesh.  Sheldon treated me like garbage earlier, and Leonard was on the sidelines acting like a douche." 

Raj sighed a little and engaged Howard with an appeal.  "I see.  As far as I am concerned, we don't need them!  We can start over; live our lives as we see fit!"

"I like the sound of that.  I do want us to be together."  Howard gestured above.  "I mean, we're _best friends_ , and I don't want to ever throw that away!" 

"I know." 

"So let's go put our shirts on and deal with this!" 

"Call Bernadette.  We can use her help here, and be quick.  You know I get whiny when I do too much manual labor."

Howard pulled out his phone from his pocket then he dialed his wife.  "I noticed."  Howard and Raj walked up the stairs.


	7. Apology with Hope

 

              "Raj, wake up!"  Howard didn't exactly put Raj down for a nap- the situation was more like Howard acquiescing to his friend's desire to briefly rest. 

Raj rubbed his eyes and stood up from the floor.  "I needed that nap.  It's so late I wish I was in my cozy bed already.  My pitifully empty bed." 

Howard frowned, which reflected the pall of recent events.  The fights affected them both; notwithstanding the fights' end it was uncertain who felt what.  Raj observed Howard's expression and showed a look of flat indifference. 

Howard replied, "Look alive man!  I have been cleaning bloodstains off the walls and everything.  Can you try looking less bored?"

"I'm not bored, Howard.  Would you mind not being so confrontational?  I'm not saying you started it, but you started it."

"Would you?..." Wolowitz blurted out to Raj exasperatedly.  Howard looked up towards the sky, as if God Himself had been holding out on Howard Wolowitz in a deeply unfair way. 

He began again, nicely enough and also real sternly.  "Raj, buddy, where's my apology?"

Raj cleared his throat.  "I apologize.  I'm truly sorry.  Calling you a Jew pig was completely out of line and unbelievably offensive.  It was anti-Semitic and..."

Howard interrupted.  "I forgive you."

"Really?"

"Of course!  Just watch your language."  

"I will." 

Howard nodded with approval.  "Good.  Anyway I have to call Bernadette again.  She didn't pick up last time."

"That's not a positive sign."

"I'll leave a message and text her to call me back and come over here right away." 

Raj walked out of the room.  "I can start to clean up."  He then closed the door behind him.

"Great!  The wet vac is in the garage."  Howard proceeded to call Bernadette.

* * *

 

 

Howard and Raj cleaned the area where the struggle with Louie occurred.  They looked around Howard's old room and other areas downstairs just to be sure everything looked as it was supposed to.  Sick curiosity overcame both friend's sensibilities and the two opened the downstairs bathroom to closely observe the last toilet Howard's uncle would ever destroy.  

They stared and made their own observations about it.  

"I'm not cleaning that up."  Howard said, looking at the brown pile as if trying to understand an abstract sculpture.

"Me neither.  The smell is almost enough to make me hurl."  

"Don't do that."  

"The consistency reminds me of mushy Indian vegetables like chickpeas and lentils."  

"I was trying to think of something else, thanks for making this more nauseating."

"Well Indian food is just as mephitic to me as crap, so there."   

"This stool looks more like heavy Jewish food, or it could just be pizza and burgers." 

"What about burritos?"

"Maybe.  I would rather imagine an actual burrito, not what is left of one after it is expelled from the body." 

"Now I'm thoroughly disgusted."  Raj walked out to the main room, where Louie has laid dead. 

"I have that feeling as well.  It isn't just what is in the toilet, but outside of it, and on the floor." 

Eventually Howard stopped looking at the filthy bathroom, the source of the dirty downstairs smell.  Raj followed suit.  

There was a sound at the front door; somebody was trying to get in.  Then the doorbell rang. 

"Oh damnit."  Raj whined.  He opened his eyes and gestured at the door, staring with apprehension at the entrance to the old house.

"That should be Bernadette.  I'm not opening the door for anyone else."  Howard stated to his worried friend.

Howard looked through the peephole and let Bernadette in. 

"Hi honey."  Howard said in a usual way.

"Hey."  She said flatly.  Bernadette strode in quickly until she caught sight of the bloated corpse right by the base of the stairs. 

"Anyone mind telling me exactly what happened?"  Bernadette asked.

Howard approached his wife and started talking.  "Sure.  Uncle Louie was really drunk and upset.  About what I haven't a clue."

Raj interrupted,  "We tried saying and doing everything possible but Howard's uncle would not calm down."

Howard put his arms on Bernadette's shoulders and looked right at her when he spoke.  "Louie started fighting.  He hit me a few times, almost breaking my nose."

Bernadette looked unmoved.  She asked, "What else?" 

"The fight wasn't going well for us at all.  We were about to be suffocated by a giant mass, but then I kicked Louie and Raj kicked him and after that he fell down the flight of stairs until Uncle Louie died right there."

The short woman nodded along intently.  "Okay then.  I'm not surprised you two couldn't handle a drunk without him falling down the stairs." 

"Bernie, honestly, he was very belligerent.  The banging on the old bedroom door went on relentlessly.  After a while, I tried to end his petulant behavior but blows were exchanged." 

"Shame on you."  Bernadette replied, aghast.

"It's not my fault!  I'm just as shocked as you.  I never saw this side of my uncle before!"

"He's right; the fault is _mine_!  My kick sent him rolling down the stairs."  Raj said.

Bernadette turned to Raj.  "Well whatever.  Way to go Raj."  Raj had his mouth hang open in shock.  Howard shook his head, which kept Raj from speaking. 

The three looked around the room and the area where the stairs reach the ground.  At that time, the way things looked was really good, but it wasn't pristine the way it was before the fight. 

Howard chimed in.  "We all have plenty to say, but can we talk later?  We have to clean this up and get out of here."

Bernadette said, with finality, "Well that is why _I'm_ here.  Okay." 

Raj pointed to something he noticed and asked about it.  "Bernadette, what's that in your hand?"

"This is a bodybag.  Howie knows perfectly well what it is.  He should call it anything _but_ a bodybag over the phone!  Dad's bag, good bag, special bag.."

Howard motioned to Bernadette and said, "Apparently 'you know what' wasn't specific enough, despite the context being perfectly clear."

Raj nipped it in the bud.  "Alright, enough, let's work quietly so we can leave."

The three put on gloves- Bernadette brought hers while Howard and Raj had some of their own; usually worn when they cleaned.  Raj took Louie's car keys and wallet and put them in a plastic bag.  Howard, Raj, and Bernadette struggled, but eventually they rolled the dead body into the unzipped body bag.  The bag was zipped and secure.  It was fortunate Bernadette even had bodybags, nevermind at least one suitable for a fat girthy corpse.  Such are the perks of being a policeman's daughter.

Everyone lifted the filled bodybag.  It was at least 300 pounds, maybe more.  Bernadette complained about the weight.  Raj complained that the foul smells drained his energy.  Howard noted that there were only a few more hours until it was six in the morning; he freaked everyone out when he said his aunt Barbara might be back to work in the house as early as five.  The group started to hustle after that.  Louie was shoved in the passenger side of his car.  The house was located on a quiet street, and so no lights were on and nobody was awake to see a body that was shoved into a car. 

Howard broke the silence once everyone was in the house.  "So Bernadette what do we do?"

"I don't know, Howard!  Seriously, there are plenty of things to do with the body that might make this unsolvable, but there are big drawbacks to most of them."

"I want to burn the body, but an impromptu cremation of 300 pounds of human flesh just might not be in the cards..."

Raj asked, "What about just going somewhere remote in the forest mountains up north and hurtle the car and body from somewhere steep?  Everything will burn up after the crash and that's all folks!"

Bernadette stated her view concisely.  "Raj, it won't always work like that.  Even if it did, it is way too conspicuous.  We don't want to make the news."

Howard compared the car with the body.  "In some ways, our problem isn't really the body.  It's that damn car!  We don't have a garage.  I am very much against involving anyone else in this, especially my other so called friends." 

"I completely agree with Howard."  Raj concurred.  "Leonard is amoral but incredibly inept at many clandestine things; and Sheldon surprisingly has the opposite problem."

"Now we know why Sheldon isn't a supervillain."

"Not really, it is more about his inability to lie."

Howard had an epiphany.  "Well the inner circle mostly stinks, but.. what about _**Stuart**_?" 

Raj gasped.  "Of course!  He's highly loyal and in constant need of money!  He will do just about anything!"  Raj grinned ecstatically.

Bernadette shrugged.  "I'm reluctant to trust a depressive, wishy washy guy like Stuart, but that's not such a bad plan.  He can keep the car in the back alley, and the body can be in a box and that box can be stored in his comic book store for... long enough." 

Howard reacted joyfully with arms outstretched.  "It's settled then!"  Howard hugged Bernadette. 

Raj let out a cheer, and Howard phoned Stuart.  Raj and Bernadette were encouraged by Howard's positive body language. 

* * *

 

Raj and Bernadette tried to be as efficient as possible, cleaning and looking over things so the house would appear normal, but there was too much anticipation.

Howard shouted excitedly.  "He's in!"  Everyone clamored with excitement.  As quickly as it began, it would be over and life would return to normal.  A positive feeling finally filled the house, which left everyone at ease.

Soon, Howard Wolowitz would pick up Stuart with his Vespa so he could drive Uncle Louie's car away.  Everyone knew what they had to do. 


	8. Pickup

 

             

               Howard rode his Vespa scooter like he usually did.  His mind wandered from the events of the previous day.  The still night calmed Howard down.  Few vehicles on the road made for a relaxing drive.  Los Robles Avenue is close to Stuart's comic book store, and after a while he rode up to the building where Sheldon and Leonard live.  If he wasn't too busy, Howard would have relished waking those two up in the middle of the night and given them a piece of his mind.  That would likely end up being more counterproductive than cathartic, not to mention a waste of time.  Howard imagined his life without Leonard's moodiness and douchey tendencies.  Howard smiled to himself.  Life without Sheldon's arrogant, selfish rambling would be ideal as well.  Howard felt a surge of what could only be described as liberation. 

"Yes I can see it now.  A great new friend, or two.  Brilliant, fun, _tall_.  Works out sometimes but not too much.  Someone with as much style as me!"  Howard laughed.

"A guy who thinks my trip into space is the coolest ever!  A real nice guy, nonstop with the compliments.  As I look into his dreamy eyes, he grabs onto my tushy and.." 

Howard let out a muted shriek.  "No no no no no!  That is wrong!  **I LOVE RAJ!** "  He waited a second before adding, "Wow.  I really do love the guy."   

The Vespa rider realized he absentmindedly stopped in front of the building where Sheldon and Leonard live.

"Oh crap!"  Howard sped away as fast as possible.

* * *

 

Howard pulled into the back alley behind the comic book store.  Stuart was there, waiting for him. 

"Hey Stuart!"  Howard said cheerfully.

"Hello there Howard."  Stuart nodded along to himself.  "This is highly unusual."  

"I know.  I appreciate you being awake now for this; it is not possible to thank you enough, Stuart!  Raj and I really owe you one."

"Not a problem.  You two are my best friends and great customers!"  Stuart had his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground.

"The feeling is mutual.  Here is a little something for the trouble."  Howard hands Stuart a wad of cash.  

Stuart took a look at the money.  "Holy smoke.  This is more than I made in the last week about!  But.."

"Don't sweat it.  We are a little rushed, so if you don't mind, climb on the scooter and we will get out of here!"

"Absolutely!"   Howard started his scooter again and Stuart hopped onto the seat.  The two carefully held on and Howard sped as quick as possible. 

Stuart broke the silence.  "I can sell those clown things you were talking about online!" 

"Yes, you sure can!  Everything else in the car, too!  Just not the car."

"Well I don't know what to do with it.  My current car is a piece of junk.  Wish I could just take over your uncle's car."

"If only.  That old Volvo is in bad shape also.  The only real destination for it is a chop shop."

"Yeah, I get that.  Never mind the car.  What about the b-o-d-y?"

"Raj and I will come back for it of course."

"Okay.  I'm not going to lie I'm nervous about this."  

"How do you think _I_ feel?  Besides we can really make this worth your while.  How is business at the comic book store?"

"Slow.  My struggle against my competition is failing.  Also my nemesis Jesse from Capital Comics seems to have more and more business everyday."

"Stuart, that's tough buddy.  But you can add goodies like popcorn, coffee, cotton candy, the works!" 

"I need a good 5 thousand or more for that.  The lot next to me is vacant.  I should be thinking about expanding the store, not how I'm barely hanging on by a thread." 

"It's going to be alright.  Just one step at a time.  Who knows how much you will get for those clowns?"

"They should fetch me plenty of funny money."  The two guys guffawed.

"That.. made me laugh.  Not bad." 

* * *

 

 

Raj and Bernadette waited outside.  Howard arrived with Stuart.  Raj approached them and waved politely.  Stuart greeted Raj.  Bernadette followed and talked to Howard.  

"It's 4:30!  If your family is coming over early this morning, we are in serious trouble!"

The Jewish man said back, "Hey.  Don't worry nobody is sticking around.  Stuart is getting out of here!" 

"Good.  Everything inside is just peachy but I feel terribly tired.  I have to go."  Howard hugged his wife then said goodbye.

Raj handed Stuart the keys.  "Stuart I just have to ask.  Do you know anyone who has a boat?"  Raj inquired.

"Not really, but I know Wil Wheaton, and he knows plenty of people who might have a boat.  Besides him I might know of someone offhand, but not directly no."  

"Ask around.  Borrowing a boat would be a good idea.  We can have fun!" 

Howard joined Raj and Stuart.  "Just the three of us would be a good group."

Stuart weighed in.  "Assuming I wouldn't get seasick, I'm in!" 

Raj spoke in an exhausted manner.   "Great we all have a boating trip planned sometime.  I am just beyond tired.  None of us can really be here so let's wrap it up."  

Stuart entered his new car.  "Alright gents.  We will be in touch."  As efficiently as possible, Stuart drove away.

"Raj, I'm good to drive."

Raj replied,  "We will attach your Vespa to the roof."


	9. Varied Morning Calls

 

            Howard slept fitfully; tossing and turning.  The sheets were pulled to and fro in a struggle to get comfortable.  Howard could tell Bernadette had already left for work, due to a lack of a warm body next to him.  The difficulty in going back to sleep was immense, despite being exhausted.  Howard looked at the clock in the room.  9:14 am.  Any other day Howard would have hurried himself out the door, but not today.  Being an engineer at the university now mostly revolved around assisting his colleagues, not necessarily building new modules or upgrading parts on previous projects like before.  Wolowitz usually made good use of his time in the morning, and it was seldom that he would arrive at the university late, especially by over an hour.  Lateness was a subjective term, and most faculty had leeway, at least some of the time.  Leonard and Sheldon were both morning people, known for their punctuality.  Sheldon's life was in many ways literally like clockwork; whether Dr. Cooper's lifestyle was a good one could be debated.  On the other side was Howard's best friend Raj.  Of course, if Raj had work to do he would come in early and also stay late.  Real astronomy requires the actual night sky to observe, but astrophysics can be done mostly anytime one can fill greaseboards full of equations.  This is especially true for theoretical work, which made the brief partnership with Sheldon sensible, at least on paper.   Due to his personality and the astrophysics department being relatively lax, Raj could choose to arrive and settle in to do real, actual work at around 10 am.  Howard envied his work schedule, and remembered the struggle before Raj achieved it where he had to mediate fighting between Raj and Sheldon.  Raj deftly made his case to the university to get up from under Sheldon's yoke.  He succeeded in gaining open-ended grants; astrophysicists studying dark matter were in high demand and this is still the case today.  At that moment, Raj was accountable only unto himself.  

"Raj...."  Howard traced his finger around on the other side of the bed, where Bernadette usually slept.  "Too bad we do not yet share a bed.  I should get going to see you already."  He plopped out of bed and began his routine, although finally more hurried.

Suddenly Howard's phone rang.  Wolowitz rushed to answer it.  He noticed his Aunt Barbara calling from her mobile.

"Hello Aunt Barbara.  Good morning.  How are you?"  Howard put on a fun, loud pair of plaid boxers.  The reds and yellows clashed with the green and black.

"Hello Howard.  I'm fine under the circumstances.  There certainly is a big mess for me this morning!"

His aunt sounded very similar to Howard's mother.  The uncanny resemblance was eerie.

Howard panicked on the inside a little, and he tried not to sound rattled over the phone. 

"Mess?  What mess?  I don't understand."  Fumbling around the many pants he owned, Howard slipped on a pair of black Dickies.  Following the pants, Howard grabbed a random beltbuckle.  Today, he wore Batman.  Howard looked on with approval.

"Well your uncle, Louie, destroyed the toilet last night.  I wish _somebody_ would've cleaned that up!"

"Wow, um, I didn't notice!"  Howard threw on a black and white stripe button shirt.  Fretting about his Alien pins, Howard attached his red pin to the outside collar.  

"That schmuck made the whole downstairs smell.  It's difficult to forget when a whiff of that hits you on the way into the house!"

"Are you just kvetching or do you have a reason for calling?"

"I could use some help with all this mishegas I have to deal with!  Suddenly everyone's leaving or they are  _unavailable_."

"Oy vey!  I bent over backwards to accommodate my mother's death and everyone else, including you Aunt Barbara.  I need a break from that.  Also, I'm busy.  I have to go..."

"That's not all!  The old facasta water heater in the garage is broken!  The leak is going all over!"

Howard stopped for a moment.  "Wow that does sound bad.  Is it a huge amount of water?"

"It's enough water to ruin the carpet and the tile!  You're an engineer.  Can you fix this?"

"The short answer is no."

"What about us?"  Howard's aunt demanded.

"What _about_ you?  I'm done schlepping for bupkis!  Even if I wanted to I can't!"  Howard heard a gasp.

"You rude putz!  How dare you!?"  Howard heard the voice on the other end become louder and louder, and it sounded more and more like his late mother.  It is ironic that his aunt would be offended by the word bupkis.  This, from the caustic woman who probably called everyone else in the family a putz at one time or another.  Howard laughed slightly.

"Always great hearing from you Aunt Barbara.  _Goodbye_."  Howard hung up.  No other interpretation of saying goodbye can be gleaned other than Howard observing the social niceties.

* * *

Howard placed a call to Raj's mobile.  "Hey Raj!"

"Hey buddy!  What's up?"

"Wow you sound cheerful.  Not much except I feel terrible and my aunt called earlier."

"Wait a tic.  Your _aunt_ called?"

"I shouldn't have answered.  The point is everything is fine and there is no way I will ever go back to that house."

"Ok, good.  Really good.  I don't want my day of wasting time at my computer ruined."

"Are you at the university?"

"I have been napping in my office since early."

"Whoa.  I slept some and still need a nap."  

"Come on by!"

"Will do.  See you soon."  

* * *

Raj waited for Howard.  In the meantime, Raj texted Stuart to ask how he is doing. 

He did not hear back from Stuart by text.  Instead, Stuart called. 

"Hey Stuart!"  Raj said.

"Hey Raj.  Just calling to say I... I'm under stress.  My nerves are on edge." 

"Okay.  Just relax.  Everything's fine."  

"Alright."  

"Felling better?  Do you have customers?"

"Not really.  No.  Can you visit my store today?" 

"Sure.  I can't give you a time.  When I show, I show.  Oh are you expecting Wil to stop by at all?"

"Wil Wheaton?  No.  He's really busy on the set of his new movie."

"Wow.  Sometimes I'm shocked that I know _the_ Wil Wheaton."

"Sometimes I'm shocked we beat you and Sheldon in that Mystic Warlords of Ka'a Tournament."

"Yeah.  That was quite the splendid time for you, wasn't it?  I felt bad for Sheldon, but overall good times."      

"What about the bowling game?"

"I remember that big game.  That was a hard matchup.  Aye, haven't been bowling in so long.  We should bowl again sometime, for fun.  Me, you, Howard, and Wil!" 

"I'll think about that.  Oh, a customer came in!"

"Great, see ya."

 

 

 

 


	10. The A.M. after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll do my best with updates. Incase anyone likes soccer or futbol, enjoy the World Cup. I'm not a sports person, so go Team Leonard. But only because I make the L sign on my forehead, haha.

 

                       Howard rode his Vespa to work.  He darted quickly through traffic, the leaning motions of the turns exaggerated by his sleepiness and extended torpor.  Gripping the handles of the scooter tightly, Howard forced his inner will to ride as effectively as possible.  Weaving through traffic can be questionable, but despite honks from cars, it can be worth it.  The Vespa rode straight and darted from lane to lane.  Shocked by veering too close to a nearby car, the rider accelerated and made a sharp right turn into the Caltech parking lot.  A short distance ahead was Howard's parking spot, and he turned into the space as he had done countless times before.  Muscle memory, adrenaline, or maybe divine intervention allowed Howard to arrive safely without incident.  After propping up the scooter, Wolowitz proceeded with his backpack and case carrying items and papers related to his engineering work.  Howard walked briskly into the building where he worked. 

 

The corridors looked good; hardly a soul for Howard to come across in the halls.  Howard knew he was walking as quick as possible without looking like running.  There was no reason for him to slow down, and so Howard stayed the course.  It didn't take long for Howard to reach his office.  It's possible for Howard to go to his mechanical engineering lab, but there was nothing that important to do at the time, and the chance of running into someone was too great.  There were other engineering labs, but the only other one he went to was the Aeronautics lab.  Pitching in and advising on the work of the department's grad students and the newer doctoral colleagues was a master stroke.  Minimal work and responsibility, with maximum opportunity to appear busy.  In spite of Howard Wolowitz's lack of a doctorate, he had a wealth of practical knowledge that came in handy.  Most of the engineering department liked and respected Howard.  Doctor Glassmen was no exception.

Not enough time had passed by since Howard sat down and put his head on his desk.  Someone who could be potentially annoying knocked on the office door. 

"Don't be Siebert or Sheldon..."  Howard whispered to himself.  It was highly unlikely that either person was outside the office.  Wolowitz narrowed down who in his department would actually come to his office.  Almost nobody.  On the off chance it was Dr. Glassmen, the conversation between the two would be short and pleasant.  The doctor's metal arms were almost ready, way ahead of schedule. 

Howard noticed it was Leonard, just his short friend standing alone in front of him. 

Howard asked, "What brings you by?"

"Not much.  Can I come in?" 

Looking side to side, Howard let Leonard in and then closed the door.  

"How are you, Howard?"

"Could be better, thanks." 

"I'm actually in a good mood right now."  Leonard smiled.

"Why?"  Howard looked perplexed.

"I got rid of Sheldon."

"What?"

"He is at the allergist, and that will preoccupy him through lunch."

"Cool.  Wait don't you have to pick him up?"  

"Nope.  I bought Sheldon a scone on the understanding he takes the bus back here or home or wherever."

"Nice.  But couldn't this wait till lunch?"

"I noticed something driving on the way back to work."

"What's that?"

"A crazy idiot swerving in a scooter!"  Leonard said in his typical aghast, outraged manner.  

"Easy, yo.  Calm down." 

"No.  You're terrible.  Do you always drive like that?"

"No."

"Then wh.."

"I was at Ma's and my relatives are crazy.  I barely slept okay?  What's it to you- did you hit someone?"

"Not at all.  No accidents."

"Then what the hell man?"

"I'm alone with Sheldon all the time after work while you and Bernadette..."  It was more and more difficult to endure Leonard's whining and griping.  Sure, the complaints Howard was barely able to hear were sound enough, but at that moment Howard Wolowitz just couldn't care less.  Briefly, Leonard was less sympathetic than Sheldon.  Howard twitched his mouth back and forth and looked down at his own desk.  Eventually, Howard looked up and decided enough is enough. 

"Well what do you want me to say, Leonard?  I'm married.  I have a son."

"Just blame Bernadette for everything and try and be cool again?"

"Yes, Leonard, I will concede it is mostly Bernadette's fault.  But the fact is things change and I can't apologize for that."  

"Okay then."  Without another word, Leonard started to open the door to leave.  Howard rose from his chair to follow.  

"Hold on Leonard.  I was going to walk to Raj's office.  You can follow me, just change the subject."

Howard locked up his office, and walked toward his good friend's work area, with Leonard right beside him. 

* * *

 

 

Howard finally made it to his destination, Raj's astrophysics office.

Rajesh hugged Howard close.  "Oh Howard where have you been?  I was so worried."

"My office.  Damn Leonard tracked me down and asked about me and Bernie.  He whined about a great many things." 

"Oh.  Did Sheldon put him up to it?"

"What?  Definitely not.  If he did I would've heard about why I hate trains so much or some gibberish about Sheldon getting dumped because Amy fell in love with me." 

Raj couldn't contain himself.  He snorted derisively and then engaged in various forms of laughing.  The laughter only grew louder and more pronounced.  Raj repeated Amy's name several times then did several long laughs.

"Oh come on Raj, it's not that funny.  Amy is.. you know.. nice." 

"Yeah, she is.  Pah hahahaha!"  Raj slammed his hand down on his big brown brobdingnagian desk several times while busting a gut.  Eventually Raj stopped laughing and then gave an eyeing look to Howard.  "Do you think Leonard knows anything?  You know, _anything_?"

"No.  That's impossible!"

"Excellent.  I have something for you."  Howard moved closer to Raj.

"I bet you do, but I'm tired now.  Later.  _Later_."

"Look down there.  A cot and a sleeping bag with your name on it.  Hop in."

"All right!"  Howard kicked off his shoes and made himself comfortable.  Raj leaned in to give Howard an intense kiss.  "Oh yeah Raj.  Just.... later."  Howard snoozed.   

Raj went back to his chair and the pillow on his fancy desk.  "And now back to my pillow..."

 


	11. A Loop for a Missing String

 

                     A beeping sound went off from Raj's mobile phone. 

Raj rose from his desk, rubbing his eyes.  "That's my alarm."  Raj said simply.  "Time for lunch." 

"Mmmmmffh."  Howard let a tired sound out while still laying on the cot. 

The burdened Indian man looked upon Howard.  He rested there and looked as sweet as can be, yet Howard's appealing characteristics did little to soothe the tall and formerly speechless friend.  Raj's mutism shaped his childhood and that eventually led him to this moment.  For the first time, Raj had tackled a problem that personified itself.  He didn't slink away, ignore it, or have someone else deal with it.  They were at the cusp of a new beginning, when everything would change.  All Koothrappali could do was worry about everything.

Raj jostled Howard's side quickly.  "Come on.  We have to go to the cafeteria!"  

Howard reluctantly stopped sleeping and stood up.  "Alright!  You can stop acting like my mom waking me up for school."

"Very funny."  Raj responded. 

"I miss her."  Howard sighed.

"Aw, dude." 

"No, no.  It's okay.  I'm fine.  Let's just get some good eats, and coffee.  A huge cup of Joe for me!"

"Now you're talking!" 

Howard and Raj walked together to the cafeteria.  Howard broke the few minutes or so of silence.

"That cot is really good for my back.  I've operated on less sleep before, just not after lifting heavy boxes."

"It's high quality- strong and comfortable." 

"For sure."

"My cot has the right stuff.  The fabric might rip in half if two people try and use it at the same time though." 

"What a shame."  Howard said airily.  "Anyways you told me Lucy is pregnant?  That is exciting news."

"It is!  I haven't thought much about it lately, which isn't a surprise, but I'm thrilled to be a parent.  Two children.  That's huge."

"What about you and Lucy?"

"We aren't going to stay together, that's not happening.  I don't care how she'll react.  Lucy will just have to move on."   

"Right on Raj!  Listen to you, being decisive.  But I wouldn't do a thing until your _kids_ are born."

"Exactly."

"But that reminds me.  It's way too soon to do anything about me and Bernadette."

"It was a mistake for me to bring that up, but you know what I meant."  

"You meant well."  Howard stared into Raj's eyes, and Raj gazed back into Howard's.  Each liked what they saw in the other.

* * *

 

Howard and Raj, ham sandwiches and coffees in tow, sat down at Leonard's table.  As told, Sheldon was absent and Leonard masticated his food alone.  

Leonard looked up and said diffidently, "Hey."

"Hey."  Raj said normally. 

Howard saw his friends eating and drinking- looking on while taking big slurps of his coffee.  "Hey it's a very rare Sheldon-free lunch!  Let's be happy you know?"

Looking happy while eating a salad, Leonard opined, "Your mom's dead.  Lucky bastard."

"Well everyone only dies once, have to make the most of it.  When will your irritating mother die, Leonard?"  Howard sassed.  

"Don't know.  Just making conversation."  Leonard said reflexively.

"How is _your_ mom doing?"  Raj asked Leonard.  

"She's just as cold as ever, and writing a new book."

Howard expressed feigned shock and real amusement.  "Wow yet another tome about my _good friend_ Leonard.  Did her previous works leave anything out?"

Leonard smiled.  "Nope.  Her new book isn't about me at all.  Anyways the annual Interdepartment Paintball Tournament is coming up.  Excited?"

"No."  Raj said boldly.  He elaborated, "I'm not in this year."

"Me neither."  Howard added.  "It's too soon after my mom died, and I'm not up for it, or Sheldon 'leading' us again."  

Leonard clearly noted the history.  "Everyone else on the Physics team is in this time.  We won the last two years.  Let's make it a third year."  

"We can't."  Raj said.

"We're busy." Howard shook his head.     

Leonard rose his hands up into the air.  "Alright.  I guess Sheldon, Leslie, Barry, and everyone else will just have to win without you two."  The guys ate and quietly looked around the cafeteria.

"Are we always this quiet when Sheldon isn't here?"  Raj asked.

"I overheard Sheldon on Skype with my mother."  Leonard stated out of the blue. 

"So?"  Howard said.

"So... Not only is my roommate cheating on the best thing that has ever happened to him, Amy, he is having an affair with my mother!"  Leonard said frustratingly. 

"That's deep." 

Raj popped in.  "Not as deep as Sheldon could be, with your mother!"  Leonard was pointed at by Rajesh's big hand.  Howard let out gasps of laughter then loud whoops of joyous guffaws.  Raj followed suit.  

Leonard was not amused.  "Yes, very funny, oh so funny.  You guys are unbelievable.  Neither of you cares about Sheldon or Amy!" 

Eventually the guys stopped laughing.  "You only care about Sheldon not becoming your new daddy!"  A comical Raj made an adroit point.

The laughter continued, and attracted some attention.  A familiar face sat down at the table, where Sheldon usually sits.  Leonard was at the right, Howard was across, and Raj was in the last space, kitty corner.

"Hi Leslie."  Leonard said in a dull monotone.

"I heard the laughs and saw that Sheldon is not here so I figured I would sit down."  Leslie stated in her usual way.

"What for?"

"You all are in the paintball tournament right?  Otherwise the physics team might be short a few players."

"I am, but they're not." 

"You guys love paintball!  What's going on?"

"Nothing."  Raj said.

"My mom just died.  I just don't want to play at all.  Not in the mood."  Howard admitted.

"Poor baby.  I'll give you a box of tissues, since you know _I give a damn_."  Leslie said sarcastically.

"I really like paintball, but I have other plans and things to do.  So I can't."  Raj replied. 

"Fantastic.  It's great when some of our best players just want to screw around." 

"Well that's us!"  Howard said. 

"Sheldon and I are going to be there, and we play to win!"  Leonard said proudly.  He smiled wide, hoping his bespectacled appearance appealed to Leslie right then.

"Ok well see you at the tournament, then, Leonard."  Leslie Winkle got up and walked away without appearing to react to Leonard. 

"Now I can see why Sheldon hates her.  Oddly when we were sleeping together I didn't quite get it."  Howard said, as if for the record.

Leonard peered over to Leslie.  "Yeah.  Sometimes I can't stand Leslie being her very annoying self, and other times I wish she'd hookup with me so she can say hot and steamy things like 'Leonard you magnificent beast' _just one more time_..."

"Sad."  Howard chuckled after saying that. 

"Wait isn't Leslie talking to Barry Kripke?"  Raj noticed.

"Wow.  They seem to be having a nice chat.  That dang speech impediment makes him attractive to women, methinks."  Leonard said.

"Leslie and Barry?  That would be a crazy match.  I'm getting another cup of coffee then I'm going.  I have work to do so see you all later."  Howard left the table after parting remarks.  Raj and Leonard did not speak for about a minute after Howard left.

"Why aren't you guys playing paintball?"  Leonard pressed.

"I have a prior engagement, and the stupid tournament is at a bad time this year."

"Okay but what about Howard?"

"He wants to, but he really is still in mourning."

"Eh I don't know.  I'm not buying it."  

"Huh?"

"I think Bernadette could be keeping him from having a fun day."

"She wouldn't.  Besides, Bernadette knows not participating in organizational extracurriculars can potentially be a career-killer, if it's a habit."  

"Uhuh.  Well why do you still spend so much time with Howard?"

"It isn't that often.  Besides, I am a friend who is there for him.  You should try it sometime."  Without another word, Raj left the table and walked away.  Leonard continued to watch Leslie Winkle and Barry Kripke enthusiastically chatting.

* * *

 

"What a day!  I never thought it would end!"   Howard said to Raj.

"You're telling me.  Going to Stuart's store has never been like this."  Raj said back.

"Exactly.  It always lacked a certain dark, edgy feeling.  It's almost feels like being in a comic book." 

"I agree.  It is exciting!" 

Howard and Raj entered the comic book store.  Stuart looked at his two friends now before him, and they in turn sized Stuart up to see if he is ok.

"Good.  It's almost closing time.  Let's check out the back, shall we?"  Stuart smoothly said in his typical meek tone of voice.

The storage area, severely restricted to normal customers, was full of junk and odds and ends.  Stuart has an old computer setup, piles of junk, cardboard boxes full of comics and miscellanea, and leftover items from the Halloween and New Years parties among others.  In front of some dividers Stuart has big items and promotional stands that are rotated in and out of the store.  In assorted places, Howard noticed some familiar foul and ugly clowns.  Anywhere else this would be a crazy persons' stash or hoarded mess, but to Howard and Raj it is just the back part of their friend, good 'ol Stuart's comic book store.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for this chapter to be so loopy as in so many left-field things happen at once. It is highly doubtful paintball will be mentioned again at length. Maybe in passing. Will Leslie/Barry have any impact on the story? Maybe, maybe not.
> 
> Sometimes naming a chapter is difficult. The loop refers to Leslie Winkle's study of loop quantum gravity. The missing string, obviously, refers to Sheldon's absence. An abstract title can be open to interpretation.


	12. Complicated problemsolving

               Stuart looked over his friends and his familiar mess otherwise known as the back of the store.  The area for customers was usually neat and tidy save for the occasional store gathering or party.  Just behind a door, Stuart's storage area was quite the opposite.  Stuart had a long face and he shrugged.  Raj and Howard were pointed out various items and boxes in the room.  Instead of motivating Stuart to sell more, the orders almost overwhelmed him. 

"Would you like help organizing everything, Stuart?"  Raj asked.

"Nah, at least not right now.  I have things to do, things on my mind."

"Like what?" Howard asked.

"Well, besides the store, why you two are here in the first place." 

"Oh yeah.  Right..."  

"Over here, in this spot, is where you know who is." 

"That's my uncle, not Voldemort!  Come on Stuart..."

"Can you be more discrete?  Anyways we aren't alone in here."  

Raj started to look irate.  "What do you mean we aren't alone in here?"

"Back there...", Stuart motioned, "I kinda have a girl over.  She's asleep right now."

"Good for you Stuart!"  Howard stated proudly.

"Are you freaking kidding me?"  Raj said in a shocked way.  "Now of all times?"

"Yeah that is not cool Stuart.  Bros before hos man!"  Howard added.

"I'm not having this conversation right now..." Stuart replied.

"Just tell us why."

Stuart looked up and down, gritting his teeth a little and pacing slightly where he was standing.  He wiped his brow and struggled with an answer.  Stuart breathed fast and laboriously, and just managed to say,  "Sex."

Howard gave a knowing look to Raj.  "Damn, he got us there." 

"No he doesn't.  This is an incredible betrayal.  Until everything is resolved, you should give your _libido_ a rest."  Raj frowned a little and gave Stuart a stinkeye.

Stuart steeled himself to form a reply, leaning against the wall in the cluttered mess that was the backroom.  "There are many reasons why you two are way off, but the biggest one is to say it simply, she wouldn't give a damn, which you know for us now is an advantage."

"You don't know that."

"Well I'm pretty sure.  Anyways, moving on, let's see how this guy is doing."  Stuart opened the box a little and moved the big contents around.  He found the zipper and pulled it down the zipper line.  The three guys were able to see the rotting head and whatever else was left from the disintegrating, fat dead body.  

"Yuck.  Still disgusting."  Howard said.  

"You are revolting and the sooner you are gone the better, horrible pig."  Raj let out emphatically to the dead man.

Howard winced.  "Stuart, buddy, zip that up."  Everyone took uncomfortable sniffs of the air and stood around awkwardly, since there was hardly any space to move or have adequate distance from one person to another.

"You got it."  He replied.  "So um I have great news about 'my new car' that I have to make disappear.  Wil Wheaton and I are going to some hole in the wall to get rid of it.  Hopefully wherever it goes it will be far from here or taken apart beyond recognition." 

"Cool."  Raj said.  Howard nodded approvingly.

"Also Wil has been exceptionally flexible with his scheduling and so very soon we should open our calendars and prepare for boating.  Any questions?"  Howard shook his head. 

"What boat are we going to travel on?"  Raj asked.

"I don't know, but it's not too large or some fancy yacht.  Wil easily secured us this boat for a few days."

"Did he rent it?"

"No.  He called in a favor from someone and convinced whoever it was this was the best and easiest way to call it even."

"Nice."   

"Last order of business to get everything on the boat should be about as simple as it gets."  Stuart pat down the box and closed up bodybag.  "I suggest this big blubbery thing maybe gets cut down to size into pieces.  Easier, less suspicious packing and moving onto the boat.  The dimensions will be better than some big awful rectangular shape that looks like a body!"  

"As an engineer the reasoning is sound but as far as doing that I'm not for it.  But I won't stop anyone else."  Howard looked up and bit his lip a little bit.  

"That is a great idea but we should do that later."  Raj stated.  "You know...."

An unknown voice softly whispered to them loud enough to be heard.  "Boo."  

"Ahhhhhh!!  Oh no!"  Howard, startled, grabbed onto Raj.  Raj wrapped his arm around Howard also. 

"Geez that is so terrifying.  She's so tiny."  Raj said.

A short girl with black hair stood before them.  She pointed and laughed at Stuart's friends.  She smiled and said, "Stuart, come back to bed."  

"Coming!"  He said.  

"We should probably go."  Howard said to Raj.  The two guys left Stuart to whatever he was doing. 

* * *

The night was still young, and a bright full moon shone on the street.  Stuart's business was close by other businesses that closed at night, so not much was going on around them.

"She seems nice, and Stuart's type, for what it's worth."  Howard pointed out, and Raj took the point in stride.

"Where's the cynical, thoughtful Howard I have come to know?" 

"I'm happy for Stuart." 

"This might be pessimistic, but we could be in for one huge blackmail.  This can't end well." 

"Alright so she knows, but big deal.  She acted like nothing was going on." 

"Precisely!  She is oblivious or she is plotting against Stuart and by extension us." 

"She could be oblivious, or dumb." 

"I am just saying we should only care about us and no one else.  This is hard to say, but we can't trust anyone else, and we should have as little to do with anyone else as possible." 

"I know what you are saying but Stuart and Wil Wheaton are helping us.  Once this is done we will go our own way."

"We're doing this because we are a couple which is in love.  Nothing should stand in our way." 

"I completely agree.  Now come here."  Howard kissed Raj with a burning passion.  Their arms were enmeshed and moving around the couple.  Howard and Raj were not as close up to this point.  Both mens jocks strained against the front of their respective jeans.  

"I want you."  Raj stated simply.  

"I have to have you, Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali, and in the worst possible way!  I cannot wait any longer.  My balls cannot turn blue!"

"Don't worry, Howard.  They won't.  Let's get out of here." 


End file.
